I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
