I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
