The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I don't want my vagina anymore.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
