I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
