i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
