from now on my penis is your penis
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
