note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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