i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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