Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
