this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
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