I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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