the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
