I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize