I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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