He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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