better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
