i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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