Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
