someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
third nipple confirmed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
