just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
