I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
