Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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