i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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