omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
