you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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