I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
