Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
