i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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