Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
