i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
