if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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