Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We had to coat check the pizza.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
