white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
