So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
