The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
