Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
