Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
