glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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