This is not my ceiling
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
A bitchslap is in order.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
