theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
