It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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