mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
