what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
