Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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