I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
