one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
