hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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