hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
