Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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