yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
