he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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