We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
you had me at cake vodka
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
