Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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